Resolving Inner Conflict
How to Eliminate Negative Emotions and Troublesome Behaviors
Inner conflict is a common experience for all of us. We self-sabotage or get in our own way with what seem to be self-imposed obstacles that keep us stuck and unable to achieve what we want in our life. Do you feel like you keep messing up your life? Are decisions difficult to make? Do you get started on something and then can’t follow through with it…time and time again? Do you want to do X but you know you should do Y? When there is conflict within us, or incongruence, it can be exhausting and distracting, preventing us from moving forward in any direction.
Parts Integration, a NeuroLinguistic Programming (NLP) technique, originally called Visual Squash, is a powerful and effective way to resolve those conflicting thoughts, feelings, desires, and behaviors. It integrates opposing energies at the unconscious level by rewiring neural connections to allow new thought patterns to emerge. This promotes a change in our feelings and generates desirable behaviors. Achieving such inclusive change allows us to move forward in our life with greater ease and confidence and brings us into harmony with ourselves. The Parts Integration technique integrates our energies at the deepest level by honoring the true intent of those parts of ourselves that seemingly have a life of their own and display behaviors and feelings that are problematic and are not serving us well.
There are many types of emotional and behavioral dynamics that cause inner conflict. For example:
I am responsible and stable but there’s a part of me that loves the wild side of life and I can’t get my act together.
I want a solid, monogamous relationship, but I also like variety!
I like the freedom of working for myself, but I really like the security of a regular job.
I want to travel to see new and interesting places, but I like routine and coming home to my own space each day.
Inner discord can also result when we have opposing energies that are out of balance. On the one hand we try too hard, push ahead blindly, or react reflexively. On the other hand, we are in a loose flow of energy and are not focused or engaged. This can make it difficult to generate conscious, thoughtful choices, and engage in productive action.
The Positive Intention
Internal conflicts like these lend themselves to the Parts Integration technique. At the core of NLP are presuppositions, one of which states: There is a positive intention behind every behavior. As you look deeper into the behavior or emotion that represents each side of the conflict, you will find that there is an underlying motive that serves a useful purpose. Ultimately, each behavior is an attempt, however seemingly misguided, to achieve something positive. The positive intentions that emerge for each part of the conflict are usually the same, similar, or complimentary to each other. While you may be unhappy with the behavior, once you connect with its underlying positive intention or valuable purpose, you can then appreciate what that part is trying to do for you. Understanding that this part of you is working on your behalf, allows your dislike of it and the desire to get rid of to diminish. Viewing it this way, you can see how the two parts that are opposed to each other on the surface, actually have similar, positive intentions. Maybe it is to bring you peace or security or a sense of belonging or something else that you truly would like to experience.
Integrating the conflicting parts of ourselves takes place at a deep, unconscious level. By finding common ground, you can go beyond the perceived limitations to a deeper perspective of each part. From here you will find the positive intention or the useful purpose of the behavior and what that part of you is attempting to achieve…is it emotional strength, self-esteem, comfort?
Marisol’s Conflict
Marisol had a strong desire to go out with the girls several nights a week to visit the bars and experience the nightlife. This was incongruent with her happy home life with her husband and young son. She loved being a mom and wife and found her home life very fulfilling. Yet the bars and nightlife kept pulling at her and causing marital tension. As we explored what the positive intention might be for that part of her that loved the nightlife, she suddenly realized that as a teenager her parents were extremely restrictive. Based on a fear that something bad would happen to her as a young woman, she was rarely allowed to go out. Now, that part of her was reveling in the excitement of new experiences that she had missed out on as a teenager. In contrast, the mom/wife part of her kept her safe by doing what was expected of her. As the unconscious intentions of both parts emerged, she was able to find the common ground shared by both parts. Following the integration of her two opposing parts, Marisol’s family began enjoying new adventures together and she no longer had the desire to go out with the girls. She could express her feminine power and enjoy new experiences within the context of family. She felt much more fulfilled, and her husband and young son were having a great time!
Would you like to resolve inner conflict?
The Parts Integration technique is a powerful tool for resolving inner conflict. It generates new thinking and new behaviors that support and move us forward in our life, enlivened as we now face life with self-congruency.
I invite you to find a quiet spot where you will be undisturbed for about a half hour. Sit quietly, and follow the steps outlined in the Parts Integration technique below. For a full description of this technique, click here.
Parts Integration Technique
Step 1
Clarify in your mind the two sides of what you are struggling with.
Step 2
Hold your hands, palms up, in front of you and imagine you are holding these two opposing parts of yourself, one in each hand. Create an image of each part as you hold them in your hands.
Step 3
Allow the valuable function/positive intention of both parts to emerge into your consciousness.
Step 4
Acknowledge the skills and abilities of each part, their useful talents, and what each part does for you that is positive.
Step 5
As a new appreciation for each part begins to grow, slowly bring your hands together, allowing the images and energies to merge and become a new part.
Step 6
Notice how the image has changed.
Step 7
Now move your hands to your body to allow this new part to move fully inside you to be absorbed and integrated completely.
Step 8
Pause and notice how you feel and how your thinking is different than when you started this process.
Step 9
As you go through your day, become aware of how things have changed as you think about the issue.
The views expressed in this article belong solely to S. Christina Boyd based on 30 years of clinical experience as a movement therapist. If you would like further reading, please explore the source and related information provided.
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WEBSITES
Cart, Damon, YouTube – NLP Parts Integration Resolve Inner Conflict | January 2020NLP Mentor, Visual Squash – A Powerful Way to Collapse an Anchor, Gold Coast, Australia
Excellence Assured, NLP Parts Integration Process – Eliminate Unwanted Parts | Dore, Sheffield, United Kingdom
NLP World, Parts Integration, Hove, United Kingdom
BOOKS
Andreas, Steve & Connirae, NLP Comprehensive Practitioner Participant Notes, NLP Comprehensive, Boulder, CO 1990 Unit 8, p. 4-7Powell, Sedillia, Practitioner’s Field Guide to NLP, self-published, San Antonio, TX 1994, p. 26-27
Dennison, Paul E. Ph.D. and Gail E., Brain Gym Handbook. Edu-Kinesthetics, Inc. Ventura, California 1989, revised 1997 p. 20-22